A Lie Called Marriage !!!!

 

I didn't have an easy marriage. 

It was a relationship engulfed in Money , Lust and Abuse, a relationship I wish to erase from my memory forever.

Our marriage started on a big blatant lie. From then on for the next thirteen years I was dragged through the most difficult thorny pathways of lies, one after the other . On the very second day of marriage I heard the crumbling voices of my dreams being shattered. He was no where close to what I thought my man would be. 

Elderly advices kept pouring in during the initial months. I being a naïve 24 year old inexperienced in the matters of heart kept reassuring myself that everything is going to be alright in days. Days turned to months and months to years but nothing changed. He proved me wrong in every nook and corner of our marriage.

Inspite of being unabashedly lied to , I pretended to believe him.

Despite being manipulated emotionally and financially I pretended to surrender.

Even after being tortured brutally I pretended to forgive him for every sorry he asked.

My only reason to cover up my sufferings was my sincere hope that one day he will change and love me the way I always wanted for all the pain I endured in the relationship. It was as simple as that. Sadness swarmed me from every direction. The Happy Go Lucky girl in me was relentlessly robbed off every emotion. I sympathized with myself for letting him change me. He needed me to be the orderly whom he can easily manipulate and I let him do so. I let his selfishness win and allowed it to be all about himself. Our marriage was all about him and I was no where around.

I spent countless night awake on my bed wondering what my fault was. Life with him was like sitting on a fireball which can engulf me anytime. After one of the usual bouts of abuse and breaking the coffee mug where the shattered pieces injured my feet I was taken for shopping. I was emotionally numb to even realize that I was walking around with a piece of glass pierced into my feet. My blood stained shoes were a realization of how immune I had become to the hurt. That night it was not my feet which was hurting but my helplessness to escape this marriage which crushed me the most. Every physical injury was followed by infliction of lust sugarcoated with apology disguised as Love.

When I get questioned these days  about my refusal to bring his behavior to the notice of my family or friends , I keep quiet for the fact that they will never take my answer in the way I presumed it. So why bother.

To me being loved by the man I shared my life with is Ultimate. Somewhere deep down I held a dream called love. I tried every possible way to love him through his weaknesses and failures. With each passing minute he made it an impossible task for me with his thoughts , deeds and words.

On 5th Sept 2017 when for the one last time he abused and injured me with a knife deliberately my senses were too numb to even realize the intensity of my injury. With my profusely bleeding hands all I could hold on to was the lives of my kids. The moment he yelled at me for going to the hospital on my own I realized the last drop of emotions for him being evaporated from me. My life took a 360 degree turn in 5 minutes. That moment I broke free from this man , from my marriage of 13 years. 

The past 4 years kept me busy with police interrogations , court hearings, custody battle and divorce. There were people who cheered for me , supported me , gossiped about me , flirted with me , who pulled me down . Many said" MOVE ON " . Even when I nodded  yes I swam an ocean of tears to Move ON!!! I was harvesting resentful thoughts all throughout and was getting torn between the silence that crumbled my heart and voices that grew in my head . 

Today I carry no hatred in my heart only Gratitude !!!!

Thank You , not for what you did to me but for all those lessons I learned in those years with you .

Thank You for making me realize I deserve better.

Thank You for helping me find Love.